yayi

I was discussing confidence and job searching with friends the other day, and one of them suggested reading Refuse to Choose: Use All of Your Interests, Passions and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams so I dutifully clicked the link and then went WAIT WHAT A BARBARA SHER BOOK I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT?!?!

I'm a big fan of Barbara's books, and spent a lot of time on her message board when I was younger. I helped proofread Wishcraft when she was first digitizing it, and had even talked to her on the phone once regarding the project. I was very sad when I heard she had passed away, because her books were very formative and helpful for me.

So yes, I immediately bought the ebook of Refuse to Choose and started reading it, and well, it's basically a how-to manual for scanners.

Hmm.

Okay, let me explain: Barbara says there are two types of people in the world: scanners vs. divers. A diver is someone who finds a subject they are interested in, then dives into it and learns everything about it. Scanners are the opposite: they taste a bunch of different subjects and have a lot of different interests.

In the past, I had considered myself a scanner. Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, it's been TWENTY YEARS and I am still primarily listening to Final Fantasy music. It's been FIFTEEN YEARS and I am still knitting and crocheting happily. And those are primarily my two interests. So that feels more like a diver to me.

And yet: I get bored within 6-12 months at a job. Once I learn what I'm doing and master it, I get depressed and listless. I was also the person in high school and college who took classes just because they sounded fun (like, I was never REALLY interested in acting or the theater, and yet I took both "Beginning Acting" and "Play Production" in high school, and enjoyed the classes.)

There's such a thing as a frustrated diver--that person who hasn't found their niche yet. I do wonder if that could be me. Or flipping things around: am I really a scanner that's masking as a diver right now because of anxiety/depression/whatever? There are so many ways I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to be more brave and try new things, but it's going to be a process.

If I think of all the things I have tried in the past... well, let's list them:
* photography
* drawing (when I was a kid)
* digital art (a college class I took that was open to highschoolers)
* journal/memoir writing (took a class on this)
* fiction writing (I subbed to Writer's Digest for several years)
* acting
* play production
* embroidery (I have a kit from the library that I was working on)
* candle making (never did it, but bought a kit when I was younger)
* astronomy (had a telescope)
* piano (took lessons as a kid, had electronic keyboards as an adult)
* flute (played in grammar/high school)
* violin (bought a cheap one off ebay and the Suzuki method books and played around with them)
* marathon walking
* pin loom weaving
* tablet weaving via backstrap method
* bracelet making (as a kid/teen)
* origami
* studying Japanese for fun
* anime/manga
* coding for fun (bot!)
* interactive fiction coding/writing
* website design
* DVD making (I made a simple menu for a DVD of Serenity-related items)
* painting, particularly on windows
* trading card games (MtG and LOTR)

...and probably more... that's quite a list! And I wouldn't say I mastered any of them, with the possible exception of bot. I am proud with what I did with bot. Oh, and I actually succeeded in completely a marathon, so that's an exception too. But all of the others, I dipped into for a bit. Usually, I would get REALLY EXCITED about something, throw my all into it for a bit, maybe succeed in accomplishing something, and then... drop the subject.

One thing I notice is that much of the stuff on the list has a creative element to it. I do very much feel like I'm a creator. I want to produce stuff. I want to create stuff out of nothing. I want to inspire or bring joy to people with my creations. I am happiest when talking about creating things. Also happy when discussing video games, but then it's primarily about the really good stories and characters and not so much the gameplay. I'm a sucker for a good story.

So yeah, maybe I *am* a scanner that hasn't allowed herself to explore lately. Either way, I'm gonna finish reading the book and see what Barbara has to say.